A little birdie told us that Mercury is in retrograde which, in astrology-speak, means that communications are all stuffed up. Now, I don't quite know if this astrology thing is for real or not but the communications we've been having lately have been mixed up big time!
We've been looking for a new place to rent and, eventually, found one. One of the many problems was the inventory check. We assumed that, like other agents, the inventory list would be part of the service. Oh no!
Unlike other people, we were determined to get to the bottom of this scam and it took several hours of questioning but, finally, the truth came out. Now, the tricky part: if you call an animal a cat and a pussy, it's not two animals but one animal with two names. If the inspectors do one inventory check and call it different things (an inventory and a check-in) they think we'll think it's two separate actions. It's not. What happens is that the real estate agents get someone else to do this inventory check - remember, a little unfurnished house! - and the landlord pays £86 for it. If we turn up at the (little unfurnished) house when it's being done, we also get the privilege of paying another £86 to these inspectors. By paying that we then get the law's protection. If we don't turn up at the allotted time, we are given the inventory list and, if it's wrong, we have no come-back. So, if we don't turn up and the inspector ticks the wrong box and says, in error, that there was a vase on the mantelpiece in the lounge, we then have to go out and buy one. If we turn up and correct the inspector when he ticks the wrong box, he gets another £86 for us doing his job for him.
Now, I do not know how anyone can find the justice in this … except the inspector who gets £172 for doing an inventory check in a little, unfurnished house and having someone help him do it properly.
Someone, please, tell me what part of this is logical … what part of this is fair … what part of this is necessary … what part of this is anything but totally mixed-up poppycock???
So how do Arthur and Mary deal with the communication mix-up? Their story is continued from the previous blog ...
"Oh dear," said Toby approaching them, his lanky legs taking one step to her two. "Isn't that confidential, Ma'am?"
"Yes, yes it is, Toby," she said, mouthing call the police to him. "But it seems these gentlemen have special permission to take it." No they haven't she mouthed as the two fine gentlemen caught up with her.
Toby's frown turned into a welcoming smile. "Pleased to meet you," he said, extending his hand to them. "I'm Toby and you're?"
"Just give us the key!" said Crewcut, without the graciousness of a fine gentleman.
"Ah yes, um, the key," said Toby, thinking aloud. "The key ..."
"Yes, the key mate!" said Crewcut. "Just give it now and we'll be gone. Nothing said."
"Yes, they key," said Toby, backing towards his desk. He smacked his palm to his forehead as if a blinding flash of inspiration had hit him and he laughed noisily. "Of course, I'll just need to phone our security desk. They'll know where the key is!" He backed around the chest-high counter, sat and phoned.
"Look, lady, you said you had the key to da file," said Shorty. "Are you pulling our tits?"
"Pulling what?" asked Mary, genuinely confused.
"Pulling our ... oh, shittin' us, lying to us," said Shorty. "We want that key now or else we'll just have to take the whole damned filing cabinet. What's it to be?"
"Ah, oh dear, I thought it was here," said Mary, stopping in an attempt to keep them as far from Toby's phone conversation as possible. "I forgot security look after all that stuff. I haven't been in this job very long ..."
"You're stalling lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary, if you don't mind," said Mary, determined to keep up appearances of being in charge. "And I'm not stalling. But let's be clear about what's going on here. You've barged into our office, uninvited and unannounced. You've demanded, with threats, that we do something which is illegal - hand over confidential files. That will get me into a whole heap of trouble - I could lose my job - and could cost the company a whole heap of trouble with the Financial Services Authority. And you're whining that I'm a bit nervous about all this!"
"Look lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary thank you!" said Mary, tartly.
"Uh, look Mary, we got orders, see!" said Crewcut. "We just gotta pick up da file and deliver it. Den we get paid. See?"
"Delivered to whom? Paid by whom?" asked Mary, realising that Toby was trying to smile and nod at her without it becoming evident to the men.
"To George Sand..." said Shorty.
"Hey bozo, we don't gotta say who we're working for! OK?" said Crewcut tersely, grabbing Shorty's collar.
"Oh yeah, I forgot," said Shorty. "It's conden..., it's confild..., oh, secret. See?"
"I see," said Mary. "So what if the whereabouts of the key was confidential ... like who your contact is?"
"Ah, that's goin' to be a big problem," said Shorty, looking at his partner, perplexed. "Mr Sanderson is going to be mighty fierce with us."
"Ah, you dumbo!" sais Crewcut. "Shut your mouth, you're spilling the beans."
"Ah, oh, yeah, guess I did," said Shorty. "Forget I said that."
"Yeah, well, if we don't deliver, we gotta be in a whole heap of trouble, you might say," said Crewcut. "And we prefer you's in trouble den us, so give us da key and we'll be gone and no trouble!"
"Right, yes," said Mary, still wondering what Toby seemed to be trying to tell her - something hopeful, she hoped, but what it could be she had no idea.
"So lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary!"
"Oh, sorry, Mary," said Crewcut, missing his place in his script.
"So Mary what?" asked Mary, walking up to him. "So Mary, if we break her arm or smash a hole in this wall, the key will magically turn up, you'll get your precious file and we'll all be deliriously bloody happy! Is that it?"
"Uh, no, not quite," said Crewcut, stepping back a pace. "We don't want to hurt anyone. We were told no damage to people or property. Just get the file."
"You have no idea how relieved I am about that!" said Mary, stepping forward again. "But, right now, you'd love to bust a limb, see some blood, hear a scream. Right?"
"No Ma'am, we just want the file, easy like," said Shorty, coming to his friend's rescue.
"Easy like," said Mary, turning on him and savouring his phrase. "Easy like. All just little lambs in here, these pathetic little clerical types. Say boo and they run. Is that what you thought?"
"Well, yeah, ah no," said Crewcut, looking everywhere except at Mary.
"Yeah, well we don't just bow down to cowards like you trying to muscle in here and stuff us around!" said Mary venomously. "You think you haven't hurt anyone?"
"Well, no ..." said Shorty. "Nobody been harmed."
"You've scared the living bejeezers out of a dozen people, you've stuffed up our day here with your stupid antics and we're all going to have to work late, for no extra pay and we're going to have to beef up our security from now on. You think there's no cost?"
"Well, y ..." said Shorty.
"Well, hell, of course there's a cost!" said Mary, turning on him. "I predict that we're going to have a lot of people calling in sick over the next week or so - your intrusion is traumatic and unwarranted and a lot of people here are going to be upset for months. I hope what you get paid is worth all the heartache, pain and cost you're causing!"
"Look lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary!" said Mary, turning back on him.
"Ah shut up! I'll call you what I like, LADY!" shouted Crewcut.
"Ah, so the big man has finally found some balls," said Mary, quietly.
We've been looking for a new place to rent and, eventually, found one. One of the many problems was the inventory check. We assumed that, like other agents, the inventory list would be part of the service. Oh no!
Unlike other people, we were determined to get to the bottom of this scam and it took several hours of questioning but, finally, the truth came out. Now, the tricky part: if you call an animal a cat and a pussy, it's not two animals but one animal with two names. If the inspectors do one inventory check and call it different things (an inventory and a check-in) they think we'll think it's two separate actions. It's not. What happens is that the real estate agents get someone else to do this inventory check - remember, a little unfurnished house! - and the landlord pays £86 for it. If we turn up at the (little unfurnished) house when it's being done, we also get the privilege of paying another £86 to these inspectors. By paying that we then get the law's protection. If we don't turn up at the allotted time, we are given the inventory list and, if it's wrong, we have no come-back. So, if we don't turn up and the inspector ticks the wrong box and says, in error, that there was a vase on the mantelpiece in the lounge, we then have to go out and buy one. If we turn up and correct the inspector when he ticks the wrong box, he gets another £86 for us doing his job for him.
Now, I do not know how anyone can find the justice in this … except the inspector who gets £172 for doing an inventory check in a little, unfurnished house and having someone help him do it properly.
Someone, please, tell me what part of this is logical … what part of this is fair … what part of this is necessary … what part of this is anything but totally mixed-up poppycock???
So how do Arthur and Mary deal with the communication mix-up? Their story is continued from the previous blog ...
"Oh dear," said Toby approaching them, his lanky legs taking one step to her two. "Isn't that confidential, Ma'am?"
"Yes, yes it is, Toby," she said, mouthing call the police to him. "But it seems these gentlemen have special permission to take it." No they haven't she mouthed as the two fine gentlemen caught up with her.
Toby's frown turned into a welcoming smile. "Pleased to meet you," he said, extending his hand to them. "I'm Toby and you're?"
"Just give us the key!" said Crewcut, without the graciousness of a fine gentleman.
"Ah yes, um, the key," said Toby, thinking aloud. "The key ..."
"Yes, the key mate!" said Crewcut. "Just give it now and we'll be gone. Nothing said."
"Yes, they key," said Toby, backing towards his desk. He smacked his palm to his forehead as if a blinding flash of inspiration had hit him and he laughed noisily. "Of course, I'll just need to phone our security desk. They'll know where the key is!" He backed around the chest-high counter, sat and phoned.
"Look, lady, you said you had the key to da file," said Shorty. "Are you pulling our tits?"
"Pulling what?" asked Mary, genuinely confused.
"Pulling our ... oh, shittin' us, lying to us," said Shorty. "We want that key now or else we'll just have to take the whole damned filing cabinet. What's it to be?"
"Ah, oh dear, I thought it was here," said Mary, stopping in an attempt to keep them as far from Toby's phone conversation as possible. "I forgot security look after all that stuff. I haven't been in this job very long ..."
"You're stalling lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary, if you don't mind," said Mary, determined to keep up appearances of being in charge. "And I'm not stalling. But let's be clear about what's going on here. You've barged into our office, uninvited and unannounced. You've demanded, with threats, that we do something which is illegal - hand over confidential files. That will get me into a whole heap of trouble - I could lose my job - and could cost the company a whole heap of trouble with the Financial Services Authority. And you're whining that I'm a bit nervous about all this!"
"Look lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary thank you!" said Mary, tartly.
"Uh, look Mary, we got orders, see!" said Crewcut. "We just gotta pick up da file and deliver it. Den we get paid. See?"
"Delivered to whom? Paid by whom?" asked Mary, realising that Toby was trying to smile and nod at her without it becoming evident to the men.
"To George Sand..." said Shorty.
"Hey bozo, we don't gotta say who we're working for! OK?" said Crewcut tersely, grabbing Shorty's collar.
"Oh yeah, I forgot," said Shorty. "It's conden..., it's confild..., oh, secret. See?"
"I see," said Mary. "So what if the whereabouts of the key was confidential ... like who your contact is?"
"Ah, that's goin' to be a big problem," said Shorty, looking at his partner, perplexed. "Mr Sanderson is going to be mighty fierce with us."
"Ah, you dumbo!" sais Crewcut. "Shut your mouth, you're spilling the beans."
"Ah, oh, yeah, guess I did," said Shorty. "Forget I said that."
"Yeah, well, if we don't deliver, we gotta be in a whole heap of trouble, you might say," said Crewcut. "And we prefer you's in trouble den us, so give us da key and we'll be gone and no trouble!"
"Right, yes," said Mary, still wondering what Toby seemed to be trying to tell her - something hopeful, she hoped, but what it could be she had no idea.
"So lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary!"
"Oh, sorry, Mary," said Crewcut, missing his place in his script.
"So Mary what?" asked Mary, walking up to him. "So Mary, if we break her arm or smash a hole in this wall, the key will magically turn up, you'll get your precious file and we'll all be deliriously bloody happy! Is that it?"
"Uh, no, not quite," said Crewcut, stepping back a pace. "We don't want to hurt anyone. We were told no damage to people or property. Just get the file."
"You have no idea how relieved I am about that!" said Mary, stepping forward again. "But, right now, you'd love to bust a limb, see some blood, hear a scream. Right?"
"No Ma'am, we just want the file, easy like," said Shorty, coming to his friend's rescue.
"Easy like," said Mary, turning on him and savouring his phrase. "Easy like. All just little lambs in here, these pathetic little clerical types. Say boo and they run. Is that what you thought?"
"Well, yeah, ah no," said Crewcut, looking everywhere except at Mary.
"Yeah, well we don't just bow down to cowards like you trying to muscle in here and stuff us around!" said Mary venomously. "You think you haven't hurt anyone?"
"Well, no ..." said Shorty. "Nobody been harmed."
"You've scared the living bejeezers out of a dozen people, you've stuffed up our day here with your stupid antics and we're all going to have to work late, for no extra pay and we're going to have to beef up our security from now on. You think there's no cost?"
"Well, y ..." said Shorty.
"Well, hell, of course there's a cost!" said Mary, turning on him. "I predict that we're going to have a lot of people calling in sick over the next week or so - your intrusion is traumatic and unwarranted and a lot of people here are going to be upset for months. I hope what you get paid is worth all the heartache, pain and cost you're causing!"
"Look lady ..." said Crewcut.
"Mary!" said Mary, turning back on him.
"Ah shut up! I'll call you what I like, LADY!" shouted Crewcut.
"Ah, so the big man has finally found some balls," said Mary, quietly.
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